Who the **** is Norris? (or, as it would be called on Proper Blogs - "About Me")

...so I've taken the plunge and started a Blog. I'm not sure why. They say - the mystical 'They' who say such things - that everybody has a story to tell. This Blog may, or may not, tell my story.

There is a part of my life of which I am not proud ("The Experience"), but which is an inescapable and vital part of my recent past. I have not yet decided whether or not to share this with you...it is certainly the most interesting thing that has ever happened to me...let my confidence grow a bit, dear reader, become my friend and confidant, and perhaps my full story will be told. In the meantime....

I am (mumble mumble cough) years old, and live in Hastings in the county of East Sussex, England, UK. Hastings is an historic seaside resort which, although not exactly 'run down' as yet,  is certainly blinking in the oncoming headlights. It has a few claims to fame:

1. It was the location for THAT battle. Yes, 1066 et tout cela.  (Actually the battle was fought several miles outside the town at Battle, funnily enough, though even that is disputed, a subject I shall undoubtedly return to). In fact, 1066 was the THIRD 'Battle of Hastings' - There were two earlier battles here in 771AD (Between King Offa and the Haestingas Tribe) and in 485AD (Between Saxon King Aelle and the native Britons) - but 1066 had better PR advisors.
2.  Television was invented here. You can visit 'Gifts and Giggles' novelty shop in Queens Arcade and see the upstairs room where the first TV pictures were broadcast by John Logie Baird in 1923. (Ignore claims of up-themselves-yanks who insist it was invented in 1927 by Philo Farnsworth in San Francisco. Farnsworth's claims are obviously bogus because (a) TV had already been invented 4 years earlier, (b) It was invented in Hastings and  San Francisco isn't part of Hastings and (c) he was American). Hastings can lay proud claim to be responsible for Television and, by definition, 'X Factor', 'I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here' and 'Pets do the Funniest Things.'
3.  Hastings was the first town in the UK to ban nude sunbathing - and the first town to legalise it again.
4. It has the highest Teenage Pregnancy statistics in the UK
5. I was born here (I hasten to stress that facts 4 & 5 have no connection with each other. My mother was NEVER a teenager).

Since "The Experience" I have lived back at the parental home with The Wrinklies (Consisting of The Aged P and The Aged M) and The D-O-G. (Owners of D-O-G-S will know why I have to spell the word. There are certain words which have to be spelt around D-O-G-S, such as W-A-L-K,  B-I-S-C-U-I-T  and C-A-S-T-R-A-T-E-D)

Prior to "The Experience" I was an Accountant (See "Things I Don't Talk About"); currently I am in training with a certain famous London theatre to become a professional toastmaster. The world will always need toast.

I am writing this Blog because - well, because somebody said to me "Why don't you write a Blog?"

So here it is. I hope you enjoy it.

My first blog post

Itchy fingers. My first blog space spreads itself wantonly before me, waiting for me to type. I stare at it. It is - what's the best word - ' blank'? - is 'virgin' a better word to use? No, 'virgin' sounds a bit corny, and slightly...sexual (or, more accurately I suppose, pre-sexual). Let us settle for 'unsullied'. It shan't take long for me to sully it.

...and as I read over what I have typed so far, I realise that the very first word of this brand new blog, in which I present myself for approval before my friends, family, casual readers and, in fact, the entire world is - "itchy."   

Oh well. Such are the perils of Life According to Norris.